Holding My Thoughts in My Heart
by KaLeRei
Summary: I'm here again in this ruined church, alone, alive… running away like the coward that I am, hiding from you, your eyes, your touch, your smile… from everything I had but never deserved. Cloud-Tifa. ONESHOT.


::I've always wanted to write something for Final Fantasy VII, the fragments for this piece have been lying around in my file folders collecting dust for two years. We had to write a short story for class, so I finally brought myself to finish it. This, of course, is the fan-fiction version.

::I don't own Final Fantasy VII. But I do want to work for Square Enix.

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"**.Holding My Thoughts In My Heart."**

I'm here again, alone, alive… running away like the coward that I am, hiding from you, you eyes, your touch, your smile… from everything I had but never deserved. Here, in this abandoned church, stones and ruin all around, its majesty cloaking my pathetic existence.

I remember it was six years ago when I left home, to go to Midgar, to join SOLDIER, to be stronger, to come home a hero… to never be called a loser again… and maybe, most of all… to impress you. We were next door neighbors, but all I knew of you was your name, and that everyone liked you, your cheerfulness, your caring nature, and the way you smiled. You were always surrounded by friends, and I never really got around to talking to you. All I really ever did was to admire you from afar, whenever you practiced playing the piano, I would look up to see you through your second-floor window.

It was when your mother died that I saw you cry for the first time. I didn't think it was right that such a beautiful face would have tears that were so sad. I didn't get the chance to comfort you, but I did tell myself that I never wanted to see you cry again. When you went up the mountains all by yourself, lonely, sad, and confused, I tried followed you to make sure you would be safe. But an accident occurred, and I wasn't able to save you in time. We both fell off the cliff… and I fell into something more. I fell into a pit of self-loathing and insecurity, while you fell into a seven-day coma. I got the blame for all that happened… and I believed it all too.

That was the day I vowed to get stronger, the day I decided to become a SOLDIER operative like the great Sephiroth. A while after you recovered from the coma, I finally mustered up the courage to talk to you. I was surprised when you agreed to meet me under the stars, on top of the old water tower, even if I was no-one but a loser.

When I told you about my dreams of greatness, of heroism… I couldn't believe how much you believed in me. You believed me enough to make me promise that when I came back, I'd always be there to save you and keep you safe. To be your hero, your knight in shining armor. I was reluctant at first, thinking that I might not have the strength… but then, I decided to make that promise, and I was willing to keep it for a lifetime.

After I left, every time I looked up at the night sky, I'd remember you, and how the stars shone in your eyes that night. Every time I heard a piano, I'd remember your voice and the sound of your laughter. Every time I felt homesick, I'd remember your smile and how I hoped that it would greet me the next time we meet. Every time I doubted myself, I'd remember you and the promise we made that night. Then I'd find a part of myself again, the part of me that was still a boy, looking up at your window.

The first time we meet after I left, I saw the worry in your eyes… you told me I wasn't the same, that I had changed. I couldn't bring myself to believe that all I was, was the ruler of my own illusionary world, that everything I told myself I was, was a lie… sure, I my mind was drenched in mako and my memories were altered… but maybe it was messed up so much because I couldn't accept the fact that I didn't come home a hero… I wasn't able to reach all the success I promised you I would.

But you… you still accepted me for the failure that I was. We went through so much together, so many battles… and you were always there beside me, ready to lift me up whenever I fell. I felt happy… I felt that someone needed me…. I felt… like I had a reason to exist.

But then tragedy struck. We both had to witness a friend's death, unable to help her, to save her. All we could do was watch as the blade went through her, ending her life forever… and I was never able to forgive myself for that. What was the point when I wasn't even strong enough to save a friend's life? You tried to convince me that it wasn't my fault. I tried to convince myself that you were right.

It's been two years since then.

We've begun rebuilding our lives, but I still blame myself for everything that's happened. I still see her face in my nightmares. I see your eyes shine with the tears you're holding back whenever I come home late because you know I was at that place. Her place.

You asked me if we've lost to a memory.

I didn't know what to say.

My phone rings, and it's you on the other line. I leave it on voicemail so I wouldn't have to answer, but would still be able to hear your voice. You tell me you're worried. You ask me where I am.

You don't understand.

I'm doing this for you.

I don't want you to see the day that the light leaves my eyes forever. I'm running because I can't be your hero anymore… I probably never was. I can't bear to see you crying when you find out I've got a sickness with no cure, I can't imagine you crying over my coffin at my funeral.

Maybe I'm the one who doesn't understand.

I'm running because I was selfish. Because you've always been there for me. Right there. Waiting. And I don't deserve a second of it.

Then, it came… that bout of such great pain… I clutched at my chest… heaving. If death does come to take me now… my greatest regret would be that I was never able to repay your kindness, that I was never able to tell you how much you meant… how much I-

The great oak double-doors of the church suddenly opened. There you were. You ran to me and told me to hold on… fate must have brought you here, just to mock me one last time… what was the whole point of me running away to wait for my death if you had to come see it happen?

I didn't want you to see me like this.

But then… to my surprise… the next time I opened my eyes… I saw the sun filtering through the ruined church's rooftop… and your sleeping face next to mine… we lay on that bed of flowers that grew all over the church…

And then I realized my mistake.

I underestimated you.

Maybe fate didn't bring you here to mock me.

Maybe… it brought you here… to save me… from myself.

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::There it is. Was it too depressing? This is my first time using the "you" pronoun like this.

::Thank you for reading, please review.


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